SIDE NOTE: IN THIS POST I USE OFFENDERS & ABUSERS INTERCHANGEABLY
When I first started my journey towards healing I couldn’t decide whether or not I should confront my abusers. The decision wasn’t as easy as I’d hoped I couldn’t just flip a coin and say oh its heads I guess I’ll confront them. I did a lot of back and forth and I decided it wasn’t best for me to go forth and approach my abusers, I felt I could get through my recovery without it so far I don’t regret my choice. However, there were a couple of times when I felt as though I couldn’t contain my rage, once I saw one of my abusers photo show up on social media and I thought to myself, why the hell does this he look so damn happy? Doesn’t he know he messed up my life, and then another time when I ran into him and he was in an elevator it took every part of my being not to rush the elevator and make him feel as less of a person as he made me.
Each of those situations took courage to be still and just assess the situation. For me it was, still a wise decision to heal without confrontation. A wise decision indeed, as I’ve gotten to the point of transformation I’ve learned so much, I don’t have to fight my abusers to win, I don’t need to confront them to feel like their spells over me have lifted, I won the moment I decided those people weren’t going to dictate my life.
For some people, it’s not that simple and that’s very understandable some people have to confront their offenders in order to have closure and there’s ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! I actually commend those who take the steps to seek that type of closure. But as far as those who are wondering if rehabilitation is actually possible without the confrontation and I say yes, I am living, walking, thriving proof that it is possible, but before you wake up one day and say I’m not going to confront my offender, you need to think about a few things:
What are you looking to accomplish?
◊ Are you seeking an apology, do you want your abuser to corroborate the memories that you’re having, or do you just want them to know how much you’re hurting?
Who all will be affected by the confrontation?
◊ Although the only person you should or shouldn’t make a decision about your recovery for is you, you should consider whether or not anyone you love will get hurt by you confronting your abuser, once that is determined, weigh your options and make a decision.
Are you far enough into your recovery to make the decision?
◊ Believe it or not this matter tremendously, you need to make sure that you’re far enough into recovery, when you get to a point where you’re learning things about yourself and how to become in control of emotions then you are ready to clearly decide what is best for you.
These are all key questions to ask yourself, and there really is no one simple answer. You need to do the work to get the results you want, asking these questions will really bring you one step closer. When the time comes for you to make a just decision on the topic all you need to do is be honest with yourself, no one can tell you what’s right for you deep down you know what you can and can’t handle.
The one thing you need to keep in mind during this time is that many offenders don’t change, they may or may not be sentimental toward the hurt they’ve bestowed upon you, you need to make sure that whatever decision you make that it is best for you and you don’t have a one-sided view on the end result because it really is unpredictable.
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