Sexual intimacy with your partner shouldn’t be so damn HARD and yet so many survivors struggle with the idea of intimacy, frightened of the very thought of the act, the experience leaves them feeling absent and degraded.
I fondly recall laying next to my children’s father one night in a stiff position feeling so disgusted while he kissed and caressed my body, knowing it would lead to more I stopped him, I can’t do this” I exclaimed, “Your beard rubbing against me reminds me of my past. I feel weird!.” I cried because I didn’t know how to turn my feelings off, I felt helpless. My whole sexual experience had been tainted I went from being sexually molested and raped, to prostitution, to trying to function in the real world looking to build an intimate connection with a guy whom I loved and I knew loved me, my brain was rationalizing but it wasn’t clicking and therefore it wasn’t going down!
So how did I turn it off? I didn’t, well not exactly, like everything in life everything is about TIME & DETERMINATION, I started to think about how much of myself I was giving away to fear and parts of the past I worked hard to let go of, and I knew that I had to get creative.
Today I thought I’d share a couple of actionable tips for you to implement in your own life
**** you should not engage in sexual activity until you feel you are ready, rushing into things just because your partner wants it isn’t a good idea and can lead to further damage. This post is for women who are willing to give it a go. Take your time and don’t fear waiting.
For some people sharing stories of their past abuse could be psychologically disrupting, and for others it is easy to tell their stories without the feeling of reliving their past. Regardless of which one of these seniorieos you find yourself under you should be as open as you feel you possibly can with your partner you don’t have to spill the events of your abuse, but it is necessary to not leave your lover in the dark regarding the reasoning of why you can’t move forward in your intimacy journey.
Maybe he can’t be rough with you as it currently stands or maybe his beard has got to go ?(for now) Relationships are about compromise and therefore if you’re both willing to give and take then things will slowly get better.
3. CREATE A NEW SEXSPERIENCE
This is fun for so many reasons, but it’s also a healthy way for you two to create a new line of communication of needs and wants, and this helps you identify what you like and what you don’t.
Start by writing a couple of actions on a post it or small pieces of paper have him do the same, roll a dice or flip a coin and whomever gets the highest number turns their price of paper over first, each word brings about a discussion of what you are willing to experience and what you’re not, and once again you can come to a compromise.
***TRUTH TIP ??THE STRUGGLE IS REAL
And it’s not going to go away by pretending you’re not effected by the abuse you sustained, your mind and body knows better than that. There’s a reason why this problem exists, you’re still wounded and those wounds take time to heal so allow yourself to go through the stages of the healing process. The more you try to bury your hurt the bigger the hole will become and eventually you will get sucked into it.
You’re a survivor take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Everything will fall into place.
MOM TALK: Let’s chat in the comment section below share your story about sexual intimacy (if you’re comfortable) and let us know how you overcame the fear of it) who knows you might inspire someone to give it another go!
Til’ next time Heroines ?